My partner and I got pregnant December 2014. When we found out we were thrilled, and had no worries at all. We live in our beautiful little home, with our two dogs and our cat, our careers are great and we knew that this would be the time where our family would grow.
I was so very excited trying to imagine what this baby would look like and all the joy that they would bring us. I instantly started to base everything I did and was going to do on our little peanut. I was very sick in the first term but it was being managed and yet I didn’t mind because I knew it was a small sacrifice for a long term gain. At 12 weeks our very first ultrasound, when I saw that tiny little human in there I couldn’t believe how amazing having a baby really was. The following couple weeks we had our first midwife appointment and for the very first time hearing that exceptionally fast wee heart beat hit me like a ton of bricks.. I knew from that second I would never love anything or anyone as much as I loved that tiny person inside me.
Life progressed and everything was coming along wonderfully. I now was just waiting for the super fun and exciting moment where they could tell us the gender of our little one. My pregnancy was going great, I loved everything about it and when that 20 week ultrasound came around I was ridiculously excited to know what we were having so we could pick out a name and prepare the nursery.
During the 20 week ultrasound waiting patiently while the nurse looked over our baby and made sure everything was okay, she finally turned to us and showed us how beautiful our baby was and said that everything was on track and perfectly healthy, and also told us we were having a baby girl! I was so thrilled, and so so very excited by this news. From that day forward my partner and I’s families were ecstatic, I ran out that very day and picked out paint for her nursery, life seemed to be flying by with all the preparation and anticipation of our little girls arrival.
I had a girls name I liked before we knew she was a girl and once we found out we knew who she was to us. At home it seemed like there already was 3 of us at all times. We called her by her name and talked to her all the time, she was with out a doubt the most wonderful thing that ever happened to us.
28 weeks in and I noticed quite a difference in her movement.. I called my midwives and they said as long as she was moving 6 times within the hour that everything was normal. So I was checking and everything seemed to be on point. I looked it up and tons of women online said they had the same thing happen and that the babies just move less because of the lack room and they sleep a lot. I thought they were right and that it was nothing to worry about.
July 5th is my birthday and my partner and I had a wonderful day, we played mini golf had a beautiful lunch out and spoke about our most loved part of ours lives, our baby girl. July 6th was my 30 week check up at the midwives, we did our routine talk about the future and what was to come and then it came time to listen for her wonderful little heart beat… But they couldn’t find hers.. They said because my placenta was in the front that it is hard to find sometimes and that it doesn’t happen often but sometimes they can hide.. So they took me to the hospital and said in an ultrasound that she couldn’t hide and we will see her soon. The OB that came in to do the ultrasound was nice, she was looking at our baby very closely on the monitor, which I could only see a bit of.. Nobody said a word.. My partner and the two midwives were in the room with me.. And the room was silent. The OB looked at me and started to shake her head and said ‘I’m sorry’.. In that moment I had an absolute melt down. I told her she was wrong and that she needed to look again, that she was wrong over and over again. I have never felt pain like that in my whole life.
With some time to ourselves my partner and I decided to go home grab some things and come right back to the hospital to deliver her. It was so hard to believe it. When we came back the nurses were ready for us, the OB was there and so were our midwives. They told us what the steps were and what to expect. After a long night of no sleep and painful contractions, I opted for an epidural.. The next morning at 3:10am our beautiful baby girl was delivered.. The widwife took her and cleaned her up and brought her back to us so we could hold her. They said they knew what had happened to her, that it’s what they call a ‘cord accident’, that her cord got twisted too tight near her belly button and that there was nothing anyone could do. As I held our baby and looked at her beautiful soft skin, her features were as I had always imagined her to be, I felt my heart break like never before. Her hair dark brown and wispy, her eyes were big and would have been blue, a tiny up turned nose that looked like mine and the lips of her daddy… I kept thinking they were still wrong that maybe she would breathe again, but she didn’t.
July 7th exactly 2 months earlier then her original due date I delivered our most perfect little girl.. Esme Ainsley. There isn’t a day or a second that goes by that I don’t think of her. It hasn’t even been one full month since the loss of Esme, and I am trying to cope with our loss. This is rock bottom, and it can only get less painful from here. The one thing I do know is that speaking to other women who have experienced similar or the same sort of tragedies is the only thing that makes me feel like my feelings are valid. Even my significant other grieves very differently, no one will ever feel what we feel except us. I’m hoping to find acceptance through all of the support that is available.. I’m sharing my story because the majority of people think this will never happen to them, just as we did, and that’s not true.. Informing people doesn’t make it hurt less, but it surely wouldn’t be quite as blindsiding if I had been a little more mentally prepared. I am not alone, and neither are you. Good luck to all the people affected by something like this and I hope we can all find some sort of peace in the end.
