On February 8, 2010 I felt the last kick of my little angel. On February 9, 2010 I saw the doctor and she was unable to find a heartbeat, it was confirmed by an ultrasound that my Trystin had no heartbeat. I was sent home and returned February 10, at that time I was admitted into the hospital. The thought of carrying my little angel for 29 weeks and it ending in a stillbirth made me angry. My family and I grieved through this process; it was like lightning had just struck my family. I delivered my angel on February 11, 2010, touching and holding him in my arms was my way of saying goodbye. Trystin was laid to rest on February 17 which was the most difficult thing I had to do in my life.
As the days go by I cannot stop thinking about the loss of my child. I find myself engaged in house work to offset some of my grief. For me, visiting the cemetery once a week puts a smile on my face. My husband tends to grieve while driving to work vs. in the household. Every so often my 10-year-old son will cry for his little brother. Sometimes he says: “Mom don’t cry, God will give us another baby.” Losing Trystin was very difficult for me, and sometimes I find myself asking “what went wrong”. Indeed, this is part of my grieving process. Every day I find myself talking about my little angel who went back to heaven. I had so many plans for the new addition to my family, and it got crumbled in minutes.
I have taken time away from work to deal with my loss, and going back to work will be another challenge for me. I know many people will ask questions, however I am unable to provide any answers. I am hoping to get some closure with the autopsy results. Leading up to my due date has become very difficult. I find myself awake at 3am thinking about Trystin, and what it would have been like bringing my son home in a few weeks. As the days go by, I pray for strength. Attending the peer support group has helped me with my loss. Trystin, you will always be part of my family and will never be forgotten. Rest in Peace my little angel Trystin Maiki John Johnson.
