It’s has been almost 4 months since I gave birth to the love of my life. I have always wanted to be a mother. It is truly my hearts desire. When I found out I was pregnant in Nov 2013 I was overjoyed. My dream was coming true. I have always been a worrier and from day one always took extra precaution to keep my baby safe. I ate well, took my vitamins, I even bought a doppler. At 10 wks and 13 wks I bled, I thought this is it I’m going to miscarry but on the ultrasound we saw a tiny baby bouncing around as if he was in a bouncy castle. The baby was fine.
Once again I could focus on preparing everything for this beautiful baby. At 19 weeks we learned the baby was a boy. My partner was thrilled. We were going to have a beautiful boy. The doctor told us his bowel was an echogenic which could signify his bowel was a bit denser then it should be. How I worried what this could mean but at 24 weeks his bowel appeared normal.
When I was 5 months pregnant I learned I had mild hypertension. Just had to keep an extra eye on those numbers the doctor said and I was going to have more routine appointments to check the blood pressure and heart rate. This was all okay for awhile until I was just over 7 months pregnant. I came home from work to notice my feet were a bit swollen. I decided to take my bp as I had a cuff at home. It was really high and when I got to the hospital it was even higher. Stress tests, blood work and even an ultrasound in which our son seemed to be doing well indicated our Angel was fine.
My blood pressure went down and I was sent home with bed rest 2 days later. They wanted to keep him in the womb until at least 34 weeks and they gave me the steroids for his lung development.
When I got home everyone helped and I rested and continued to take my meds. Some days my boy would almost bounce out of my tummy and other days not so much but doc told me this was normal when I asked as he said baby was getting bigger and space was becoming limited. When I returned home my bp would be high in the morning and then lower. I called my doctor and was told if it lowered not to worry but if it continued to rise then go to the hospital. It lowered and he seemed to be ok. The night before my little love passed I prayed to God to give me a sign if I was missing something and if he was not alright. I should have gone with my gut and gone to the hospital anyway even if the bp did lower. How I will struggle with that for the rest of my life. I checked my bp and checked my boy’s heart rate. All was good and so I went to bed.
I woke up and took my meds the next day. I decided to check on my boy’s heart rate. I got it very quickly and it was strong. My partner was sitting beside me. My little love kicked twice and made my belly bounce. A few seconds later the doppler went quiet. I knew we had just lost the most precious thing given to us. Our son’s life.
At the hospital it was confirmed that our baby had died at 32 weeks. I decided to deliver as soon as my blood pressure went down as it had gone up as it had previously done so in the mornings. This was Thursday June 12, 2014 in the morning. I gave birth the following morning Friday June 13, 2014 at 4:38 am. Shane Allan Alfred my first born was born sleeping that morning 2lbs 12 ozs. I was scared at first to look at him but the doctor placed him in my arms and started to cry. He said “He is perfect.”
I was in shock but my family and my partner held him too. I was numb … I still am. He was the most beautiful boy I have ever seen. He had my cheeks and my nose but everything else was his father. He looked like his daddy. We all cried. How could the happiest day of our lives have turned into this?
We had a service for our son and he was cremated. I have cried everyday and going through his stuff today I broke down. How so very close we were. I feel like I missed my Shane by a minute.
Co-workers and friends and family are traumatized and don’t even know how to react. It feels like a dream as I walk past his empty bedroom. All of this was for my perfect boy.
After many tests the verdict was unknown reasons for his death although there is a strong speculation that an umbilical cord accident was the cause.
We are hopeful for the future and in time will try again but how I long for my son. I love him so much. His father does too, he tries to be strong for me but I know a piece of him his missing without his son.
As sad as this is it was a blessing to carry and give birth to my beautiful boy Shane. Forever I will search for you my little love.