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I wanted to share my story with hopes it helps someone who has had to endure the pain of losing a baby. Reading other people’s stories has helped me. So I hope this helps someone else.

My husband and I got married June 9 2012. We wanted to get pregnant soon after. So we started trying. So in July 2012 I was eager to see if we were pregnant. I bought the first response home pregnancy test (the one that will tell you up to 5 days before your missed period). I got up early one Friday morning before work and did the test before my husband woke up. I check and sure enough there were 2 faint lines! The emotions were so strong almost panic like. I was already pregnant! Then overjoyed I woke up my husband and told him the news. We were so happy! The next day was our wedding celebration dinner this is why I did the pregnancy test. So it turned out to be a celebration of marriage and for being pregnant.
I was pretty sick during the first trimester all day sickness. The second trimester was great I was very happy and the morning sickness had stopped.

When I was 23 weeks (Dec 2 2012) my husband went away to US to attend a course for work. He left first thing in the morning to the airport which was 2 hours away. The weather was horrible freezing rain. Parts of the roads were closed. He managed to get to the airport and landed in Detroit. I was enjoying a lazy PJ Sunday relaxing on the couch watching movies. Then around 4:30pm I started to get back pain and it started to come every few minutes. This being my first pregnancy and not knowing what to expect I thought oh no Braxton hicks already? So I did what is suggested lay down drink some water and rest. I left a facebook message to my husband telling him I was having Braxton hicks and that I was ok. He wrote back to say ok and that he was going out for supper and would talk to me later on facebook when he gets back to the hotel. After 30mins it didn’t seem to be going away. So I read sometimes taking a shower helps. I called my midwife right away who informed me to relax and if the pain gets worse or if I start bleeding to go to the hospital. I got off the phone trying to keep my self calm. I didn’t want to look like a panicking first time mom. As soon as I got off the phone I checked to see if I was bleeding and sure enough I was. So I grabbed a few things like a tooth brush and comb for some reason. I wasn’t really thinking. Of course!
The contractions were getting worse very painful about 2 mins apart. I got in the car waiting until I had a contraction then when I had some relief I drove to the hospital it’s about a 2 min drive luckily. I waited for another contraction before getting out of the car and entering the ER. I tried to explain what was happening without crying. She explained to me I needed to go up to the 4th floor. She asked if I needed help I declined, pretending everything was ok. So I got to the 4th floor and the nurses got me in a room right away and hooked up the monitors. I could hear little Emma’s heart beating which made me smile. At this point I was still hoping Braxton hicks. My cell phone was about to die and I felt bad to use it in the hospital so between the nurses coming in and out I snuck it out. My husband had his phone services all off because of the roaming charges in the US. So I had no choice but to leave a facebook message for him to contact the hospital. I managed to call my mom who was 3 hours away and she contacted my brother who was driving her up. It was about 5:30-6pm now there were no Doctors there at the moment. However there was a resident. The nurses couldn’t pick up the contractions I was having. So they were thinking maybe I had some kind of infection and wanted a urine test. The resident came in and as he was taking a history and asking me questions he seen the contractions were getting more frequent and more intense. I started to feel nauseous when the pain increased and ended up being sick. The resident did an examination and told me he was going to contact the doctor. I still at this moment didn’t know I was in labour. Maybe I did but didn’t want to believe this was happening. As soon as the doctor got there he examined me and said you are fully dilated and in labour. My response: “Oh awesome”, with a tear coming down my face. He explained it isn’t a good thing like I didn’t know that. He wanted to examine me again while having a contraction when he did this he broke my water which was a great relief. The pain wasn’t as intense after he did this.

They called in a bunch of doctors just for Emma. They made me hold off pushing which was so hard. The nurses asked me every 5 minutes if there was someone they could call for me, someone local. I declined. My husband and I are both military so my family was 3 hours away. I had friends I could have called but at that moment I was so distracted and just wanted the pain to end that I didn’t call anyone. I didn’t want to bother anyone. The doctors warned me that because Emma was only 23 weeks she probably wouldn’t make it but they were going to do everything they could. Through contractions my husband called. I tried to put on the brave act pretending I was ok and for him just to get home safe. He was on the first flight back. I heard the pain in his voice I just knew he was falling apart I didn’t want to make him feel worse than he already did. My mom also called crying and I tried to be hopeful. It was all happening so fast and I had no control. How could my body be doing this? I kept thinking. I heard her little heart beating and felt her move before I started pushing. She was born at 8:24pm. When she came out she was moving a little. She passed away shortly after. The doctor explained to me that this has happened because I have a condition called Incompetent Cervix. And if I got pregnant again I should have a stitch put in my cervix to keep it shut. I didn’t really process that until later on. They gave her to me in a little white blanket and said I am so sorry. I sat alone in the darken room for hours holding her in complete shock. The nurses felt so bad they really wanted to call someone for me. My mother, brother and his fiancé came in around 10:30pm and stayed with me until my husband made it at around 2:00am the next day. The nurses gave me a memory box filled with little keepsakes I didn’t look at it right away but now I am so grateful. It was filled with books, support group pamphlets, a little blanket, a little hat and an angel. I was so numb at the time. We got to take some pictures which at the time I wasn’t sure that I wanted to but now I am so happy I did. I look at her picture everyday. It has only been a week since we lost her but I can look at her picture and feel joy because she is just so cute.

I have had many trying times in my life but this no one can understand unless they have been through it. I wish no one had to endure this pain. It is so hard because from the day you know you are pregnant you have expectations, hopes and dreams. When we found out our baby was a girl it was such an amazing feeling. Then, to feel her move for the first time was just out of this world. We read and talked to her all the time. She was our baby girl and we already were so attached and she wasn’t even born yet. The bond you share with your unborn child is mind blowing! Somehow we manage to get through everyday, mostly because we have found so much support from family and friends. I have found a lot of support from online groups. I have researched my condition a lot which also helps. I think knowing the why’s of what happened makes it a little easier. Knowing I can go on and have a child in the future keeps me going. I feel sad most of the time but coping. There isn’t a day goes by that I don’t think about her and want to hold her so bad.

We found out that because of our insurance with the military that they will cover the cost of the funeral. We had her cremated and had her ashes put in a little heart and stuffed in a teddy bear so I can hug her whenever I need to. We donated most of the money to molly bear’s and the Pembroke Hospital.

Thank you to my loving husband that has been so strong though this, you are my rock babe! Thank you to my mom, brother and soon to be sister in law for getting to my side and spending hours with me in the hospital. I love you guys! Thank you for all the great support from my friends, family and even workplace.

Thank you for letting me share my story. I hope it help’s someone.
I know reading other peoples stories has helped me.